A New Dawn

This blog is a beginning of "A New Dawn: The Rise of Mankind," or in this case "Matt-kind."

I've gone throughout my life spewing out awesomness in every direction yet I've never kept a record of it or how i got there. Then this morning i thought to myself "So many people wonder how I've achieved such legendary awesomness yet i haven't bothered to share it with enough of my admirers." this is a very tragic thing, so many dudes are out there having trouble and will never reach glorified awesomness...well guys and gals i'm here to take you under my wing.

If nothing else, i am a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals, morals that are often times difficult to remember. Many have been forgotten and replaced with new morals BUT you can always simplify life into one basic rule. What's mine you ask?

"Never date a girl with a hook for a hand"

This is true both in the reality and metaphorical sense.

Once you have discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory.

You may say, "well that's a simple rule, I'll just stay away from pirates and gypsies." Well let me drop some other rules I live by. Follow these rules and your awesomness factor will increase exponentially

RULES TO LIVE BY:


Never date a girl with a hook hand.

A furrowed brow makes for a more classy look.

Only ever raise one eyebrow at a time.

Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.

Never pass up a free sample.

A guy who reads is irresistible to the ladies.

Never pet a chicken.

ALWAYS be psyched, always.

Being late is always okay.

If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along.

Never check a bag, you'll never get it back.

Never use spell check.

(This is a new one) Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.

(This too is new) Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.

Never delete "Die Hard" from your DVR. if you don't have DVR have a DVD readily available.

Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.

Always wash your hands before returning to work.

Never repeat yourself.

Don't say things twice.

The longer the line, the better the food.

NEVER wear a clip-on.

Never use the bathroom on an airplane.

Black tie is NEVER optional.

If someone yells "Duck!" you had best duck.

Grow a beard, chicks dig a beard.


This is just a few rules to live by. Start off slowly because changing your whole life can be somewhat traumatic. Trust me, I've acquired and applied these rules over a long period of time but stick with it. In no time you'll reach God-like awesomness. We're all learning, it's a never ending process. Good Luck.